How To Become a Vampire

I was looking at some search stats and noticed that this question (how to become a vampire?) was more common than you might expect. Every day, nearly 100 people were looking for a way to join the ranks of the stylish undead. “An interesting topic for a little tutorial”, I thought. Hence this post.

It seems the jury’s still out on how, exactly, vampires are created. Some sources cite ancient beliefs (mostly useless superstition), some insist on the popular bitten-by-vampire myth, and some claim that you simply can’t “become” a vampire if you’ve been born human. Maybe there’s no single way. So, instead of focusing on any of the aforementioned approaches, I’ll describe three common vampiric features that you can attain without any supernatural help.

Hypnotism (AKA Mesmerism)

“True” vampires have it easy – some mind-control skills are supposedly included in the whole dark revenant package, along with good looks and sharp teeth. But don’t despair, … wait, no, despair is cool. Ahem. As I was saying, hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming are well within the reach of mere mortals, so you are free to learn and use it – even if your heart is still beating. Head over to Google or Amazon.com and check out the numerous sites and books available. Just don’t fall for the “forbidden secrets revealed!!” shtick and you should be fine.

To get an (optimistic) idea of what you might achieve, take a look at Derren Brown. He’s done some very impressive things (videos).

Night Vision

Excellent low-light vision is something I’ve always wanted. You can improve your night vision by using a few tricks, and science might eventually figure something out.

The most promising idea I discovered is NightWalking. The website has a heavy slant towards philosophy/spirituality that reminds me vaguely of Carlos Castaneda, but it also contains a detailed guide on improving your peripheral vision. As you might already know, in a situation when there’s very little light, peripheral vision is much more effective than central vision. Better peripheral vision = better night vision, so this is definitely something worth trying.

Dark and Mysterious

The “dark” part won’t be a problem – just pick something from the wide range of goth stuff available. Maybe invest in coloured contact lenses and/or appropriate makeup.

As for being mysterious, well… * nods and smiles knowingly *

Ah, okay, I’ll be more verbose. There’s a bunch of lame tutorials about “how to be mysterious” on the web, but they’re generally a crazy mix of the somewhat useful and the completely ridiculous. In my opinion the coveted “aura of mysteriousness” is a pinch of secrecy + a certain form of inner confidence. And it’s not the kind of confidence that lets you approach strangers and sing on stage. I’m talking about the kind that frees you from seeking external validation of your thoughts, actions and existence. This is something that very few people have, but it can be learned. Think.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I suspect most people in the “how to become a vampire” crowd are looking for a shortcut to becoming cool (is that a pun?). That is understandable. My main reservation about this is that it’s an unlikely shortcut — and that most wanna-be’s don’t really understand what they’re asking for when they say “I want to be a vampire!”.

Personally, I consider the concept of blood-craving bona-fide vampires unrealistic. I haven’t seen any reasonable biological explanations for it, and the idea that “it’s magic!” doesn’t do it for me on this overall low-magic planet. Psychic vampirism is a different thing entirely, but there’s generally nothing glamorous about being unable to sustain your existence without becoming a (possibly unknowing) parasite. Okay, parasitism might not be the only way, but I won’t discuss that here.

Hey, this is probably the weirdest post on this site (so far) ;)

Related posts :

939 Responses to “How To Become a Vampire”

  1. insertnamehere says:

    hey everyone! sorry that i havent posted for such a long time. i just kept forgetting to come on here, then just a second ago i was working on my JRP and i remembered! i really hope to hear from all of you soon! or you can email me at lonelybluebat@yahoo.com
    and to answer your question, esme: i really dont care about justin bieber
    today there was a blood drive at my school, and i signed up and everything but i didnt get to donate because i didnt know the last 4 digits of my social security number. no one told me that i needed to know that. i just thought that my story was relevant because, you know, blood and vampires kinda go together

  2. insertnamehere says:

    Its gonna be the new year in exactly 3 minutes!!!

  3. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    Hello everyone, it has been a while.
    How are you my dear friends?

  4. insertnamehere says:

    Hi Vincilia! I am so glad that you are on again. No one else is responding!
    I am stressed out, what with finals and all, but other than that just peachy. How ’bout you?

  5. dhampire says:

    Hey sorry to hear u are havin a hard time but finals arnt that hard XD try basic training 4 the army >.< kinda sucks… but if u want to talk ill try to be on daily so u can ask questions

  6. aly says:

    If anyone is a vampire please come to me and bite me

  7. insertnamehere says:

    i hate it when people say “please come and bite me” because that never happens and you have to be realistic

  8. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    Insertnamehere, my apologies for you being stressed over finals dear. I am doing rather well, actually. Acquired a car finally and other essentials.
    Amused at your last comment about the “come and bite me”. Yes, be realistic my friends and there is no need for it.

  9. dhampire says:

    Agreed it hasnt happened since the day i got here and its been about a year since i started posting here so lolz.

  10. insertnamehere says:

    well finals are over and i did okay :) but now im stressing out about the new semester because they got my schedule messed up and i dont know when its going to be sorted out right

  11. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    I see. I am glad you did well on your finals dear. Hopefully it will be sorted out soon.

  12. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    My fellow friends! How is everyone? Anything questions or rather interesting fixations that anyone wants to share with me?

  13. insertnamehere says:

    Hi Vincilia. Nothing much here. My mom’s boyfriend is being a jerk. I know that I sound like a whiny teenager right now and that normally people don’t get along with their mom’s boyfriends when they are teens, but this is different. He has been living with us for most of my life so I used to think of him as a dad but now he is just being a bully. He likes to pick on me and he calls me names like “evil” or “bitch” and makes fun of my biological dad even though I didn’t do anything to him. I’m not a trouble maker; I have a 4.0 and I’m in NHS. But he still goes out of his way to make me miserable and to talk trash about me behind my back.

  14. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    Hmm…actually most teenagers do not get along well with their mother’s “significant others”. My dearest apologies for the way he has been treating you. My only advice is that you stand up or simply live your life until you are able to go out on your own dear.

  15. insertnamehere says:

    ya, i do stand up for myself. i think hes jealous of me bc i have so much going for me and he never did.

  16. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    That is almost a bit shallow of you to say.

  17. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    My glorious friends! How are you? Are there any interesting fixations to converse about?

  18. insertnamehere says:

    it may be shallow but its true

  19. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    Alright I suppose.

  20. Vincilia Delmorsal says:

    Hello, my dear friends, how have you been? Many of you are still insisting that your dreams are real or for that matter, revise looking at the title of the this website. If I so happen to see another pathetic person asking a false hope to bite them, haha, you will see…

Leave a Reply