How To Become a Vampire

I was looking at some search stats and noticed that this question (how to become a vampire?) was more common than you might expect. Every day, nearly 100 people were looking for a way to join the ranks of the stylish undead. “An interesting topic for a little tutorial”, I thought. Hence this post.

It seems the jury’s still out on how, exactly, vampires are created. Some sources cite ancient beliefs (mostly useless superstition), some insist on the popular bitten-by-vampire myth, and some claim that you simply can’t “become” a vampire if you’ve been born human. Maybe there’s no single way. So, instead of focusing on any of the aforementioned approaches, I’ll describe three common vampiric features that you can attain without any supernatural help.

Hypnotism (AKA Mesmerism)

“True” vampires have it easy – some mind-control skills are supposedly included in the whole dark revenant package, along with good looks and sharp teeth. But don’t despair, … wait, no, despair is cool. Ahem. As I was saying, hypnosis and neuro-linguistic programming are well within the reach of mere mortals, so you are free to learn and use it – even if your heart is still beating. Head over to Google or Amazon.com and check out the numerous sites and books available. Just don’t fall for the “forbidden secrets revealed!!” shtick and you should be fine.

To get an (optimistic) idea of what you might achieve, take a look at Derren Brown. He’s done some very impressive things (videos).

Night Vision

Excellent low-light vision is something I’ve always wanted. You can improve your night vision by using a few tricks, and science might eventually figure something out.

The most promising idea I discovered is NightWalking. The website has a heavy slant towards philosophy/spirituality that reminds me vaguely of Carlos Castaneda, but it also contains a detailed guide on improving your peripheral vision. As you might already know, in a situation when there’s very little light, peripheral vision is much more effective than central vision. Better peripheral vision = better night vision, so this is definitely something worth trying.

Dark and Mysterious

The “dark” part won’t be a problem – just pick something from the wide range of goth stuff available. Maybe invest in coloured contact lenses and/or appropriate makeup.

As for being mysterious, well… * nods and smiles knowingly *

Ah, okay, I’ll be more verbose. There’s a bunch of lame tutorials about “how to be mysterious” on the web, but they’re generally a crazy mix of the somewhat useful and the completely ridiculous. In my opinion the coveted “aura of mysteriousness” is a pinch of secrecy + a certain form of inner confidence. And it’s not the kind of confidence that lets you approach strangers and sing on stage. I’m talking about the kind that frees you from seeking external validation of your thoughts, actions and existence. This is something that very few people have, but it can be learned. Think.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I suspect most people in the “how to become a vampire” crowd are looking for a shortcut to becoming cool (is that a pun?). That is understandable. My main reservation about this is that it’s an unlikely shortcut — and that most wanna-be’s don’t really understand what they’re asking for when they say “I want to be a vampire!”.

Personally, I consider the concept of blood-craving bona-fide vampires unrealistic. I haven’t seen any reasonable biological explanations for it, and the idea that “it’s magic!” doesn’t do it for me on this overall low-magic planet. Psychic vampirism is a different thing entirely, but there’s generally nothing glamorous about being unable to sustain your existence without becoming a (possibly unknowing) parasite. Okay, parasitism might not be the only way, but I won’t discuss that here.

Hey, this is probably the weirdest post on this site (so far) ;)

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704 Responses to “How To Become a Vampire”

Pages: « 110 11 12 13 14 [15] 16 17 18 19 2024 » Show All

  1. 405
    Rawr says:

    LOOKIE HERE “TELL ME SOMETHING”
    That is wrong to accuse someone you dont even know of lying.
    Im sure Vampiredude has no reason to lie aboout killing people.
    Its a serious thing.

  2. 406
    Rawr says:

    i reccomend YOU appoligize!

  3. 407
    warmblood says:

    hi, i was wondering if any of you guys know of anyone who could change me and fast. i want to leave this world i am in. I live in minnesota, unfortunetly but i would work anything out, give anything up, you have no idea how badly i want this. txt me at 651-491-2265 or email me at teddybear1010@live.com. PLEASE

  4. 408
    Tellmesomething says:

    Vampiredude, sorry i doubted you brother. You should be more calm.

  5. 409
    Rawr says:

    thanks

  6. 410
    ASf says:

    YO DIGITY DAWG, WANNA BANG IN THE CLOSET AND THE FLOOR

  7. 411
    ASf says:

    RAPE

  8. 412
    ASf says:

    MUDA’ FUCKA’

  9. 413
    Vampiredude says:

    Sorry tellmesomething I have really bad anger problems I didn’t mean 2 snap like I did.R we cool bro?

  10. 414
    ASf says:

    wanna buy my alpaca, he is 6 years old, his name is Ruffus and he takes it in the butt. 100,000,000,000. Call me at 5456455

  11. 415
    Vampiredude says:

    Warmblood do u really want 2 be changed? I can but I live in vermont.But i don’t think u really want 2 be like me I don’t even want 2 be like me.

  12. 416
    maddie says:

    I have a few questions.
    1. If Mosquitos like ur blood alot, will Vampires 2?

    2. I kno the twilight seiriz iz really big now, but r Vampires pissed that some one would wright a book like that?

    3. R Vampires the only Magical creatures out there, or r there more?

  13. 417
    Tellmesomething says:

    We are cool my brother. It’s ok by the way… How do you change someone brother?

  14. 418
    CRAZZZZY says:

    YOU HAVE TO BE A DICK WHEN YOU LICK YOUR MOMS CHEST HAIR

  15. 419
    Vampiredude says:

    MADDIE
    here are ur answers
    1.depends on the individual
    2.The twilight book really doesn’t bother me it’s just the fan because they will come on here thinking being a vampire is easy and they want to be a vampire but its hard.
    3.I’m really not that sure but I’ve heard of werewolves but I never seen one

  16. 420
    Vampiredude says:

    Tellmesomething

    How to change someone u have to let the human drink some of ur blood or bite them which , we all know is very hard to do because of the thurst and the restraint.

  17. 421
    ORGASM says:

    Vampiredude gives me orgasms(:

  18. 422
    SDFSDFSDFSDF says:

    I LOVE YOU ILOVEYOU ILOVEYOU ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU
    fuck

  19. 423
    sammm(: says:

    luke is the bestest vampire. better than you.

  20. 424
    Vampiredudelover says:

    OMFG VAMPIREDUDE!!
    I am your BIGGEST fan!

  21. 425
    Vampiredude says:

    Thax the messages hahaha I know I’m pretty sexy

  22. 426
    SAMM says:

    Vampire dude is FYNEE and FRESHH

  23. 427
    Tellmesomething says:

    Vampire dude add me. cripleader@hotmail.com add add add =-)

  24. 428
    Vampiredude says:

    Ok I will try to bro

  25. 429
    N/A (not avalible) says:

    Hey you guys im back from the world of try not to eat your friends…lol…. no seriously though… oh, by the way Maddie vampires are not magical creatures we have no magic we just eat people like you…I don’t mean to offend you but you are a food on the menu for us… everyone like you is… HeyTellmesomthing why is your msn crip leader if you were a crip leader dont you think you would have somthing better to do then chat to vampires ans vampire wanna b’s.

  26. 430
    marijuana says:

    yuum. humans

  27. 431
    Tellmesomething says:

    Made that email when i was 10. Lol. Was uppsessed with the crips Sorry’s

  28. 432
    ANTHILL says:

    Tellmesomething is probably 10 now.

  29. 433
    ANTILL says:

    and by the way, it is OBSESSED

  30. 434
    codi long says:

    jess or what ever i want to become a vampire and if you really are one your the right one to ask if there is a spell i find will it work and if you become a vampire will you still be able to love and hate and stuff get back to me soon

Pages: « 110 11 12 13 14 [15] 16 17 18 19 2024 » Show All

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